this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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