I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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