You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
