Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
