I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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