I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
