I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
