M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize