so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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