I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize