there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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