FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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