Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
