I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
