I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
