seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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