i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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