sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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