I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
