Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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