So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
