It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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