He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
