3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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