Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
