i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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