My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
