yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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