This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
