I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
