Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
