Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
