cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
