Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
