I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
