i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
