i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
