I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
