Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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