how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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