god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
