I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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