Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
