Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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