She just used a chaser for red wine.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
