I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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