I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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