you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
