DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
