have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
