so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
