I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
BRING THE BAGELS
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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