Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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