I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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