Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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