I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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