We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
