when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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