I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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